The Mayberry Times (which comes out weekly) never disappoints.  The following Speak Out was in the July 3rd edition.  You may wonder what Speak Out is, but the name itself really gives it away.  It is a small section that allows readers to write a comment or opinion in 250 words or less.  Sometimes it is signed, but often (as in this case) it is not.  Here you go...

Reader Dislikes Fast Food Fry Changes

I was always taught that if it's not broke, don't try to fix it.  The only reason I go to fast food restaurants is that I want french fries with my meals, and I am willing to bet I am  not the only one who feels this way.  Yet, so many of my (previously favorite) eateries are messing with what always worked before.  I don't want fries that are waffled or wavy, (which is not so groovy when they don't taste like a real potato).  Please, can't we just let fries be fries?

I personally like regular fries also, but I must admit that I would never think to write to the newspaper about it!  I was highly amused at this though, and I am very glad the author had the time and energy to write in.  Despite like regular fries, the only thing I absolutely demand for them is that they be hot.  Cold fries just do not pass muster at all!

And that reminds me of the time that I visited my college roommate's house and family potato chip factory in Fulton, Missouri.  We got to snatch a few fries off the assembly line.  They were piping hot and sooo delicious.  That was when I first realized that hot potato chips are to cold ones what hot fries are to cold fries.  

Chicken Request

The Mayberry Times did it again.  They printed an article that was, well, so oddly written that when I read it aloud to Kent, I laughed until I cried.  And, that was certainly not the intent of the writer nor the newspaper at large.

I challenge you to read this article outloud to someone and not laugh.  Bet you can't.

What makes it especially funny to me is that the Citizen Hannah Barnett that is spoken of is my pastor's wife.   I can't help thinking that perhaps she was in a former life a leader in the French Revolution.  In actuality, they should have called her Citizeness Hannah Barnett.  Perhaps she is the one that was confined to a coup...no getting along with the government for her!  No, a complete takeover is what she must have had in mind when she approached the Mayberry City Council.

Here you go, and remember that laughter is good for the heart and the soul.

Doniphan Council Considers Busy Agenda, Favors Chicken Request

After much deliberation the Doniphan city council came to the Oct. 1 meeting with a unanimous decision to amend the city ordinance to allow chickens. However, this is to be on a trial basis, and comes with a lengthy list of restrictions.

Even so, the zoning and planning commission must first also approve the ordinance change.

The city had heard a request to allow chickens from citizen, Hannah Barnett, at the September meeting.

Having made the decision, Doniphan City Attorney Christopher Miller will take the city’s list and draft a preliminary ordinance that will be presented to the commission. A public hearing will follow, during which residents of the city can have a say.

Miller advised against changing the ordinance, which he said was actually rewritten in part because of an issue with chickens.

It was thought that problem was a complaint because of roosters crowing.

Certainly there will be a limit as to the number of chickens, a ban on roosters, a set-back requirement from the homeowner’s property, and requirements as to confinement to a coup, the structure itself, and sanitation.

Residents who decide to keep chickens also would have to submit to an annual inspection and purchase a permit.

Code violators would be given a specific number of days to comply or be shut down.

That within itself was a huge concession for the council. They were concerned that Brian Byrd, who is both the city’s code enforcement officer and also the fire chief, might not have time to take on another responsibility.

Mayor Dennis Cox said he was not in favor of permitting chickens, stating that it is difficult and time consuming enough for Byrd to have to enforce city habitation ordinances.

Cox also expressed his opinion that, “We already have a problem with dogs and cats being out of control. I am not convinced we need to add another animal that might potentially cause more problems.”

Alderman Denver Jackson was not present at the meeting; however, Alderpersons Riley March, Leslie Netherland and Steve Collins each said they were willing to permit residents to keep chickens, within reasonable guidelines, at least on a trial basis.

“We can always change it back later,” they said.

Collins noted that he polled his neighborhood and out of 11 individuals he asked for an opinion, only two objected.

 

Straight from the Mayberry Times (Spoiler alert...it's been quite
some time since I laughed as hard as I did when I first read this.)

From Speak Out:

Yeah, I'd like to know where the county got these boulders they
put on the dad gum roads.  Them boulders are as big as golf balls
and they call them gravel.  That's boulders.  I don't know where
they got them at but man alive that's hard on your car driving on
them rascals.  So, I thank you but I'd like to be able to get smaller
gravel put on these roads instead of big old boulders and I'd like
to see them get the maintainer-man out doing what they're supposed
to do instead of bucking them along, they get washboard-y.  Thank
you and bye.

I am reminded of the time Kent and I visited G'ma Lil in her
apartment.  She told me the MainTainAnce boys were
supposed to come to her place.  I know now she meant the
maintenance guys, but it took me a good half hour after
I left for the light bulb to come on.  I just had no idea who
she was talking about at first.

Straight from the Fernnook Times (AKA The Prospect News)
last week:

"Both candidates for Naylor Alderman in the North and
South Wards were running unopposed for their seats.
Barbara Bell received 10 votes in the North Ward and
Barney Hornocks took in 14 in the South Ward.

All results from this election are unofficial until
they are certified by Ripley County Clerk Becky York
on Thursday, April 9."

(That one sent Sister Becky into a laughing fit. She is
not always used to our country ways....I think it was
the fact that an unopposed candidate garnering 10 votes
could still have an unofficial count.)

Also from the Fernnook Times this week is an ad. See if
you can figure this one out.

"For Sale
Catfish
Pond
You Seine,
By the pound
or by the pond."

I'm sorry, but I just have to do one more baseball post.

This one comes straight from the first page of the
Sports section of The Mayberry Times. If you are not
a true baseball aficionado you may want to leave now,
and it will not be held against you.

Anyway, here it is.

There is a picture of two players from the Mayberry Team,
along with one of the opponents. The caption under the
picture reads as follows:

Senior B.J. plays third base for the Mayberrians on
Tuesday, Aug. 28; as Senior C.W. plays right
field during Mayberry's game against Neelyville at the
Mayberry High School Ballpark.

Only in Mayberry.

Mayberry Happenings:

Yesterday was town day. I thought about holding
a contest to see if anyone could guess the four
types of animals that crossed the road in front
of my car during my 11 mile (one way) drive to and
from town, but I couldn't think of a good prize
to offer. So, I'll just up and tell you.

1. A snake (he was slithering fast, but I think it
was a green snake.)
2. A turtle (he pulled his head in when I whizzed
past.)
3. A deer (she jumped up and ran across Highway 160
just a few feet in front of me.)
4. A squirrel (this little fellow acted the part of
all squirrels--unable to make up his mind which
way to run 'til the last moment...lucky for me
and him he chose the opposite way I did.)

Then last night, my boys and their friend Jenn came
across two young red fox pups eating a duck in the middle
of the gravel road. They stopped and took pictures.
The pups mostly just ignored them. Look at these incredible
pictures.





























There was nothing really funny in this week's
edition of The Mayberry Times. There were though,
as usual, some strange sentences/paragraphs.

From the Speak Out section:
Revenge. Revenge is sweet until you yourself beg
for mercy and there is none. Think about it while
there's still time.
(I think that would be a great start to a mystery
novel. The heroine finds a note, tattered and torn,
with the above words on it. She feels great
wonderment and some fear. She experiences a delicious
shiver of excitement and then embarks upon the
adventure of her life in discovering the whys and
wherefores of said note.)

And in a different section of Speak Out:
Today's Sodom and Gomorrah ways is taking us under.
(Under what? I won't speak to the grammar of this
sentence.)

From the Correspondence Page of the Mayberry Times:

Lots of people are sick, some have been
in the hospital, some are better and some
are not. Hope all are better and able
to be out and about.

Now this bit from the same page is funny:

I felt like my body was getting totally
out of shape, so I got my doctor's
permission to join a health club. My
first step on the road to fitness was
aerobics class for seniors. I bent,
twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down
and perspired profusely for an hour.
By the time I got my leotards on, the
class was over!

Did anybody in Mayberryland notice the notices
on the Religion Page? Let me just list some of
them.
Amity Cemetery Homecoming, Work Day april 14
Wilson Cemetery Work Day April 14
Bennett Cemetery Cleaning April 14
Poynor Cemetery Cleaning April 21
Dalton Cemetery Clean Up Day Planned April 21
Union Cemetery WorK Day April 28
Shirley Cemetery Meeting May 12
(I have to wonder, who is coming home for the
homecoming at Amity?)

And finally this bit of disturbing writing from
the Correspondence Page:

"Food for thought" Many blessings are for
those that believe.

Believe what? That you can pray to a tree and find
peace? That the power is within you and you only
have to tap into it? That love and peace are the
answers to the world's problems? That the Hokey-
Pokey is what it is all about? Or, that there is
a God Who Is There and that He has acted throughout
history to bring the world and us to this moment
in time and that He has revealed that action through
the Scriptures?

I absolutely howled over the following two bits of writing in
the Mayberry Times this morning. And, I suppose it is some
sort of picture of the way my family views me that as I was
sitting at the table howling away until tears rolled down
my cheeks not one person asked me what was so funny.

Later I did track down Kent and say, "You've got to hear
this." And then we both laughed till our sides hurt, it was
just as funny to me the second time through.

1. This one is from the Correspondence Page.

The jonquils (Easter lilies) are blooming again
along H Junction and V Highway. They have had
a struggle this year with changing weather, snow
and early time change but they continue to give
pleasure to passing folks.

2. The next is from the Lost and Found section.

FOUND
Unusual plant
with dirt ball
attached. Vicinity
Summit Street, Mayberry.
Must identify. Call
870-810-####

(I promise the only thing I
altered was the name of the
town and the phone number.)

Beat that if you can!

Straight from the Mayberry Times-

"Hello from our town where two exciting events
took place. Betty Abernathy's dog ran away from
home and I have two black eyes."

I love it. I absolutely love living in Mayberry!